every year around thanksgiving i make a long list of things i'm grateful for. is that cheesy? oh well. in the past it's taken up pages and pages in my journal and consists of things like pink cowboy boots, favorite watering holes, coffee in the morning on a sunday etc. etc.
i am a very thankful person.
this year things feel simpler. it just seems like over the past two years through a series of trials, successes, failures and other filters things have been distilled down the strongest and most important graces.
i'm thankful for
- good friends new and especially old
- the woods, the mountains, the deserts, the oceans and every blade of grass (fine i'm a hippy!)
it was impossible to imagine on the first day of high school, waiting in line for our books, that you would become my best friend. i never once thought when we first met that we would become neighbors; that we would beat a trail through the woods to get to each others houses, and that we would one day live in california together. and the boys. who could know when we all first started riding around in the bronco that we would all wait in the hospital and have to say goodbye to our friends. we swam in the summer lakes without a thought of the wild and dark days we would go through.
how could we ever know that day when you asked me if i went to fairhaven and invited me to lunch that we would share so much together? so many new years eves (in different countries and millenia), thanksgivings, holidays, birthdays, boys, photos, homes, cities, states, years?
we could never know then.
still i think we just knew we would always be in each others lives even when we weren't.
but the most amazing thing, that i never never saw coming, was how much i would love your baby boy the very moment i laid eyes on him.
one thing i know for certain is that i always, always will. xo
i wish i could say something grand, the perfect thing. i wish i could say the perfect thing that would be just exactly what you need to hear. i wish i was inspiring and could speak words that motivated, propelled, that could spur armies to march forward, even into certain death; words that were so powerful they moved people to change the world.
i wish that was a talent of mine.
then finding the words to help you would be easy, words that could fill your heart with fiery courage and make you perfect, steely, resolute and brave. these would be words of action and very different from the ones i would use to try and keep you from being afraid. i am better at those words. the soothing words. i know what i would say to try and make your fear go away.. then i would say,
"it's ok. it is all ok. don't worry. nothing to worry about, what a joke! it will be ok. you will be ok. you are ok."
so maybe i should say the opposite.
"it's not ok. the way things are is simply not right and you are the only one who can change them. it's up to you. you have to fix it. help. change things, make it right."
it's been two years. i want so much for you to be here, even momentarily, so i can give you all the gossip! i've ached for you when times were hard, i've missed your wisdom and your intent focus, your insight. but that ache is nothing compared to how very much i miss you now when times are good. i want to share all this with you, the way we did.
i miss you. i miss you. i miss us.
no one wore giddy optimism and mischievous, naive joy with such style. i want to go on an adventure with you! there are so many cabbies still to befriend! so many cute boys to flirt with! so many songs to dance to! so many photos to shoot! so many damn boots to try on!
i'm carrying on with all that without you but at every turn i know you're there, my phantom half, and i always know when you'd be proud and when you'd shake your head in amazement or reproach. but even though i already know i want to hear - what do you think of my haircut? my new boots? my letter? my blog? my date? my outfit? the opportunities i've been presented with? all my new photos? my new life?
i think you would be so very proud of me.
and i miss nothing so much as i miss you telling me so.
i still love you little buddy, forever. a big stinging part of me is you. i'm grateful..... but it's not the same.
i got sent home with $100 worth of medication and walking pneumonia. i don't quite get why they call it that since the only cure is to lie down and sleep... forever. it was actually kinda scary, since i couldn't breathe.
one day many many many many days and years from now they say the sun will burn out. it will happen so far in the future that you and i and your pets and kids and kids kids will not be around to see this miraculous occurrence.
i didn't want you to feel left out. like you missed something.