6.22.10

remember letters?

i've been going through and systematically throwing out everything i own. ritual purging? no.

this is more of an intentional exercise in complete and abrupt lifestyle re-evaluation.

i am leaving. finally.

come august i will be out of the kobbe house, out of san francisco and into the unknown. if all goes according to plan i will be out in the world getting lost for an extended period of time. my goal is to go for at least one year with no solid obligation and only the vaguest set of destinations. (i'm sure my parents are thrilled!) a huge experiment in: what i am capable of (i suspect alot), leaving completely any comfort zone i've been hovering in, being open to everything that comes, and in letting go constantly.

thus the first round of letting go. the giant one. i've been asking myself questions like; "do i really need my taxidermy unicorn head? how much is it worth to me? like in dollars? should i even keep my cd's? who could i give them to? will john take care of my aloe plants? who gets all these clothes? do i ever need a mirror again? maybe not. maybe i will never need a mirror again."

it is getting a little intense in my mind right now as i go through layers of years of crap. because really... that is what it is. it is all just crap. a part of me wants to just throw it all out without giving it a second look or a second thought. but of course i can't. i find myself thinking things like, "when i die this letter will provide such valuable insight into who i was. people will need to see it, they'll understand something."

WTF!!!??? where do these thoughts even fucking come from? when i die? when i DIE?! that's why i'm keeping this essay devin wrote about me in 2001? that's why i have every letter from friends whom i haven't spoken to in over a decade? for people to go through when i die?

that feels so stupid. although today dustin assured me that it was not. "we're photographers marin," he said, "that's how we are. we're anthropologists."

i guess he's right. but still... there are some things that future humans do not need to know. not to mention things that the future me does not need to be hauling around with her. so i'm trashing these things, selling these things, giving these things to people. because i really really don't want things anymore.

(i did find a dollar in one of devin's old letters. score!)