1.20.10

contem. plate.

this weekend after finishing a really, really intense yoga class we were all lying in sweaty puddles of shivasana and rusty said, "if you have a child, or if you were a child, try to imagine the feeling of complete calm and happiness that you'd like to give to that child.... and then give that to yourself."

i was stunned with that thought. i never do that. i've never treated myself like a child, even when i was a child.

no one had a perfect childhood, they say. the things that happen in your childhood stick with you, is another thing they say. everyone has their own cross to bear. daddy issues. mother issues. complexes of all sorts with amazing greek names. whatever, they say alot of things. what it seems to come down to is that you could conceivably spend much of your adult life dealing with the events and occurences of your childhood, especially the traumatic ones.

there are so many ways to deal with life. you can run from it. you can hide. you can drink and use drugs. you can count calories. or over-consume them. you can look for what you're missing in other people. you can make masterpieces. you can worry. you can obsessively worry. you can seek to control. you can seek therapy. you can get medicated. you can meditate. you can vow to do better with your kids. you can join groups and churches. you can live a life dedicated to service. you can become a freakin martyr. people do these things.

but whether you're aware of it or not. you're dealing with it. oh yes. you are.

but you're a grown up now right? at least a part of you. maybe you've been a grown up for so long you forgot about the hurt little kid part of you. without sounding schizo or cheesy here -and not to be unoriginal...

when you are feeling sad, or lonely, or hurt, or afraid, or tormented, or tired, or worried, or you are wishing for some mercy, maybe you should think of the calm and happiness you wish someone had given that 5, or 8, or 12 year old...

and then give it. to yourself.

you might cry. but that's ok. that's just the part of you that's 5.