9.29.09

long term goals

i always used to think that after certain points in my life had been reached, or after certain things had been accomplished, or after i got to better know who i am, things would get easier. like life would become a straight highway and i could just put it on cruise control and enjoy the ride hands-free.

i'm beginning to suspect that things just keep getting more and more real. the good gets better, the bad gets worse..er, but not much gets easier. no one ever tells you this, probably they don't want to scare you.

i'm formulating this idea that it's not just enough to get older and wiser, you also have to get tougher, and lovelier, and freer, and kinder, and gentler, and simpler, and lighter even as layers of life and belongings, and people, and baggage are piled upon you.

it's a lot to ask for. it's alot to demand of yourself.

but why not demand it? why not demand improvement? perfection even? sure it's unattainable but it's nice to have goals. what else were you doing today? were you busy? it is hard, i know. it's so hard, and usually no one even pats you on the back for becoming a better person. most of the time no one even notices; if you're lucky they tell you they like your haircut, or that you've lost weight. but hardly ever does anyone say, "wow, you are so much more gracious than the last time i saw you."

but maybe it is it's own reward, and maybe it makes the really hard times more bearable. hopefully we can all become more forgiving too, so that when we mess up and don't improve, or act like a douche, we can still forgive ourselves and love ourselves. and try again.