fit of melancholy
"... back in costa rica and it feels surreal, to be here, back in samara, the place that changed my life. it feels strange to return to a place i've known only on vacation and have it be my home. stranger still for it to be my home more than any other. in a way.
i have the best life i can currently imagine. i'm in love, i'm taken care of, i'm traveling the world, i'm supported in every way, i'm healthy, i'm safe, i'm living on a beach. i'm beginning to suspect though that something is missing though i'm not sure what it is. the challenge is gone, the adventure feels flat, absent of spark.
this feeling is fleeting as i am fleeting. it comes and goes. i find it in stillness, sometimes upon arrival and then i lose it again on planes and highways or wake up and it's gone. then everything feels right, as if my heart is happy for the first time, as if my feet have never really connected me to the earth before. as if the butterflies in my belly have been replaced by cooing doves. excitement blends with contentment. bravery blends with ecstasy. fulfillment melts into love.
the fleeting feeling of missing something is gone and i am only in love. in love with a man, in love with my new home, in love with the tropical air, heavy with rain. in love with the waves and the sun and the sand. in love with the sounds of spanish around me. in love with my unlikely life.
i wonder, when i forget that i've no reason to worry, if i will ever be wholly, untouchably content. i wonder if this sneaky felling will come to be felt forever. i can't seem to outrun it; can't shoot is away with photographs or smother it with kisses. i can't leave it on the side of the road with a shoe in a tree, or laugh it out with good friends. i can't shake it off on a quad or a dirbike or a motorcycle, i can't write it away.
all of these things help. but it always shows up again reminding me that i want more.
no matter what or how much i have when i feel it i always want more..."
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