4.2.11

new zealand new moon

one of the blessings of having such a thorough visual documentation of my life is that i can go back in the archives and remind myself of where i once was; one year ago, two, eventually 3 or 4. this is a wonderful thing for someone like me. i am often so involved and focused on the present moment that i forget where i've come from, sometimes even who i have been.....and as for where i'm going and who i will be.. well .... no hard plans.

one year ago john and i tilled the abandoned garden at the studio. it was the first time i'd put in a solid day of gardening since we were kids growing up on the ranch. it was the first time in a very long time that i got dirt stuck under my nails. it was the beginning of the changing of my mind.

i decided that a new set of goals were entering my mind and that they were indeed important even if they didn't seem to move me forward in any conventional career path or standard way of life. 'screw it', i told myself after grappling with these new thoughts, 'i'm not a conventional person.' once i accepted that it became easier to allow myself to follow what path i wanted instead of the path that was perhaps laid out for me.

when you accept that you are a person of endless possibility and potential and that the measure of success can be quantified however you see fit, then all roads open up to you, all goals attain importance. once you see every convention for the trap that it is you can refuse to subscribe. you can step off the path you were on. you can be carried away by something else.

and that's what happened here. my new goals were simple really; i wanted new skills. i had a sneaking suspicion that the ones i had were too specialized and in the overall scheme of things maybe weren't that important. i wanted survival skills basically. i wanted to be outside everyday. i wanted to worry about the weather, not technology. i wanted to get out of the god-damn city.

and here i find myself. up in the hills. out of the city. off of the grid. picking through a lunch box of heirloom seeds with the reverence that such a varied treasure trove deserves. i have been planting, working, harvesting, digging, tilling, weeding, growing gardens almost every day this past year. i can say with confidence that i have skills. and everyday i amass more.

there is no end in sight. from this garden i go north to the next. then back down to the next. then out to the mountains to the next. then the next, the next, the next..... i've fully traded that old life for the new one. my soft artist hands have been traded in for cuts and calluses, my nails were cut off long ago....

i don't miss them.