12.30.09

farewell

i stand outside and stare at the snow; dangerously mesmerizing as it's always been. i want to stand out here and watch it fall forever, watch and watch even as it covers me and i freeze to death.

i stand outside and catch flakes in my mittened hands. somewhere beyond the ring of the porch light an owl coos in the moon blue night. somewhere beyond that a pack of coyotes yip, yap, howl and hoot as they make their way across the fields, riling dogs as they go.

i stand outside and i stare at the snow. i wish there were wolves out there in the dark. i wish i could run into the snowy night and join them, flakes catching on fur and padding paws muffled in the perfect white silence.

12.29.09

the homestead

sometimes my life is so idyllic it makes me want to puke.

12.28.09

saying i won....

i've decided i need to play more scrabble. it's one of my new years resolutions. anyone?

12.27.09

trophy

12.26.09

colder than a polar bears toenails

before we embarked on our winter snowshoe trek into the mountains today my dad imparted these words of wisdom, "everyone stick together now as we go up through here; there's a ton of mountain lions around. normally you don't have much to worry about with a lion - it'll pretty much leave you alone. the time it won't is if it's young and starving, separated from it's mother. so everyone stay close."

i'd kind of like to say that this was the only time my dad has said anything like this but thats not the case at all. he says stuff like this all the time in all different scenarios.

"don't worry dad," i said, "i'll bring up the rear."

12.25.09

merry and bright

here's my christmas wishlist for 2009.
- perfect health
- yogaworks membership
- a party dress
- a party to wear it
- artwork from my friends
- flashes of universal contentment
- plane tickets to paris (apirl or may)
- more family time
- more big sur time
- lots and lots of love

merry christmas babies.

xo
m*

12.24.09

i love you like a mountain

i love the ocean but when i see this something always clicks inside me and i can breathe again.

home.

12.23.09

"Life's longing for itself"

12.22.09

1 year

so i've been doing this project for one whole year now. obviously until september it lived elsewhere (facebook). now it is here. i had a rough patch in the summer and missed one day here and there but for the most part i've taken at least one photo a day since 12.22.08.

if there is a point to this, besides my own enjoyment, i guess it is just to represent how i see life. it is so beautiful to me. life is amazing. the world is amazing. all of this is really happening. right now! all around you! you should pay attention to it because it goes so fast. i hope you are looking.

but if you're not or you can't. don't worry. i am. always. looking.

12.21.09

cuddy buddies

i really really hate flying. but if i were to go down in a fiery crash i'd want these dudes to be there.

i didn't mean that the way it sounded.

12.20.09

where they'll seat us in the sun

i love you.

12.19.09

checking it twice

12.18.09

premonition

12.17.09

mean reds

sometimes i hear myself on the phone, coordinating pre-pro calls, leaving messages for agency folk, going over wardrobe details and i have this brief flash of actually hearing what i sound like.

i think "my god! when did i get this way?! when did i develop a PHONE VOICE!?? i sound like a freaking travel agent. i sound like dr. laura. wtf is going on here? i used to be such a rebel."

seriously. i should get a job reading books on tape, it's that bad.

12.16.09

the passenger

when i was little my dad and i would play this game; he would drive and i would be his lookout. for every animal i correctly identified there was a prize.

- chump change for raccoons, skunks and porcupines

- a quarter for a doe and a hawk

- fifty cents for a buck and a bald eagle

- a dollar for a bull elk; two dollars if it was more than a 5 point.

a mountain lion was five bucks and obviously the most elusive.

this was my favorite game ever and i was the consistent winner... now, years later, no matter where i am...

...i am always looking.

12.15.09

examination

does anyone else have a strange and inexplicable fear that one day the dish disposal will just turn on by itself while you have your hand down there fishing something out?

no?

ok then, carry on.

12.14.09

monday dance party

cause what are you gonna do? mope?

12.13.09

12 days

i hope you've been nice babies.

12.12.09

powers out again

12.11.09

recovery the sequel

12.10.09

love

such a delicate skin to touch,

such soft bones to crush.

so many small chances to kill it.

yet no amount of blood let is a loss

and no amount drawn is bled enough.

12.9.09

a solving problem

i can't really speak to what it's like to grow up in the place you were born. i've never been a staying person. the last time i counted i have moved 32 times; not 32 states or anything i'm not an army brat but i've moved around a bit from home to home (and yes from state to state). i've never disliked it and even though as a child i had no control over it i always felt that as an adult i would stay a gypsy. i planned on living in san francisco for a year and then bouncing to the next place. i almost did too, after the boyfriend and i broke up for the first time i saw no real reason to remain.

obviously i did.....remain.

in the last five years i've had to fight that itching fever every six months or so. that footloose kind of fever. it keeps me awake. i lie in bed thinking about roads. i wake up and browse craigslist for new apartments. i get drastic haircuts. i plan tattoos. i buy plane tickets, i take random journeys. but i'm still here. i don't quite know why. the urge to go and the instinct to stay are equally strong, fighting it out, and i am the spectator. the vessel. it's taken awhile to recognize that this is a part of me and i'd better figure out a way to keep the rambler happy or i never will be.

i am taking great comfort in good friends. friends that i've now had for years. we don't see each other for stretches at a time, but i'm starting to have a bigger picture of their lives, and they of mine. i have seen them go through things. finish school. finish relationships. finish jobs. etc. and they know my past. they see how far i've come. they ask the right questions and they genuinely care about the answers.

it is what i image home to feel like. and it's nice. i think might stay.

12.8.09

1 light 2

order caviar for dessert. it really confuses the waitstaff.

12.7.09

hailstorm

this is just a reminder:

you usually have to leave your house to find treasure, have adventures, fall in love and - on the flip side - get hit by a bus.

usually.

12.6.09

mysteries of light

if you, on a hike in the marin headlands, found at the top of slacker ridge an altar made of rocks and broken glass, an entreaty to light and lourdes, what would you do? would you stop and hold your breath looking at that cross looking at the clouds there on the top of the world? would you say a little prayer to lourdes and the sky? what would you pray for? luck? love? good grades? good graces? a little mercy? a little money? a little peace? or maybe... would you just say...

thank you?

12.5.09

suzi skis the pyrenees

so saturday was a beautiful day and i did a lot of wonderful and cool things that merited being photographed. in addition to this i hung around with some very attractive and photogenic people. but somehow all i got a picture of was my outfit..

still - super cute yes?

12.4.09

isa estrella

12.3.09

fox den day

jolie holland, the living and the dead, fox in it's hole. look into it.

12.2.09

no longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows

the only one i got before the battery died. (pun INTENDED.)

12.1.09

: )

11.30.09

more please.

11.29.09

faith children

i will miss your first steps... but i know you will take them joyfully.

11.28.09

rain ramble

you know how they say "there's no such thing as bad weather; just bad clothing?" this is totally true. buy some waterproof shoes and quit being a pussy.

11.27.09

hideaway

little wings, wonderue, si si. look into it.

11.26.09

things to be cherished like the thought of heaven

every year around thanksgiving i make a long list of things i'm grateful for. is that cheesy? oh well. in the past it's taken up pages and pages in my journal and consists of things like pink cowboy boots, favorite watering holes, coffee in the morning on a sunday etc. etc.

i am a very thankful person.

this year things feel simpler. it just seems like over the past two years through a series of trials, successes, failures and other filters things have been distilled down the strongest and most important graces.

i'm thankful for

- health

- family

- good friends new and especially old

- home

- the woods, the mountains, the deserts, the oceans and every blade of grass (fine i'm a hippy!)

- inspiration

- motivation

- endless possibility

- endless wonder

- you

- and ok, yes, coffee in the morning on a sunday.

happy thanksgiving babies.

11.25.09

jacob

it was impossible to imagine on the first day of high school, waiting in line for our books, that you would become my best friend. i never once thought when we first met that we would become neighbors; that we would beat a trail through the woods to get to each others houses, and that we would one day live in california together. and the boys. who could know when we all first started riding around in the bronco that we would all wait in the hospital and have to say goodbye to our friends. we swam in the summer lakes without a thought of the wild and dark days we would go through.

how could we ever know that day when you asked me if i went to fairhaven and invited me to lunch that we would share so much together? so many new years eves (in different countries and millenia), thanksgivings, holidays, birthdays, boys, photos, homes, cities, states, years?

we could never know then.

still i think we just knew we would always be in each others lives even when we weren't.

but the most amazing thing, that i never never saw coming, was how much i would love your baby boy the very moment i laid eyes on him.

one thing i know for certain is that i always, always will. xo

11.24.09

taming

11.23.09

power's out

11.22.09

"you're a mean girl, i'm dead."

this is frankie ray... she's amazing.

11.21.09

forever

11.20.09

nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't

it came as a total surprise to me that today was my birthday. yes! again! my birthday! i had no idea.

this is jim.....

http://jimhughesphoto.com

11.19.09

going away

americas loss is new zealands gain! hey i have a place to stay in new zealand now right? right?

this is abi.... and we'll really miss her.

11.18.09

wishes

is today your birthday? happy birthday! i'm so glad you were born.

is it your sobriety birthday? happy birthday! congratulations!

was your birthday recently? happy belated birthday! i hope you got cupcakes.

if it's not your birthday, just keep this in your backpocket until the blessed day arrives.

i'll probably forget to say it then.

11.17.09

unknown.

i wish i could say something grand, the perfect thing. i wish i could say the perfect thing that would be just exactly what you need to hear. i wish i was inspiring and could speak words that motivated, propelled, that could spur armies to march forward, even into certain death; words that were so powerful they moved people to change the world.

i wish that was a talent of mine.

then finding the words to help you would be easy, words that could fill your heart with fiery courage and make you perfect, steely, resolute and brave. these would be words of action and very different from the ones i would use to try and keep you from being afraid. i am better at those words. the soothing words. i know what i would say to try and make your fear go away.. then i would say,

"it's ok. it is all ok. don't worry. nothing to worry about, what a joke! it will be ok. you will be ok. you are ok."

so maybe i should say the opposite.

"it's not ok. the way things are is simply not right and you are the only one who can change them. it's up to you. you have to fix it. help. change things, make it right."

which would you rather be? unafraid? or brave?

11.16.09

dear debra

it's been two years. i want so much for you to be here, even momentarily, so i can give you all the gossip! i've ached for you when times were hard, i've missed your wisdom and your intent focus, your insight. but that ache is nothing compared to how very much i miss you now when times are good. i want to share all this with you, the way we did.

i miss you. i miss you. i miss us.

no one wore giddy optimism and mischievous, naive joy with such style. i want to go on an adventure with you! there are so many cabbies still to befriend! so many cute boys to flirt with! so many songs to dance to! so many photos to shoot! so many damn boots to try on!

i'm carrying on with all that without you but at every turn i know you're there, my phantom half, and i always know when you'd be proud and when you'd shake your head in amazement or reproach. but even though i already know i want to hear - what do you think of my haircut? my new boots? my letter? my blog? my date? my outfit? the opportunities i've been presented with? all my new photos? my new life?

i think you would be so very proud of me.

and i miss nothing so much as i miss you telling me so.

i still love you little buddy, forever. a big stinging part of me is you. i'm grateful..... but it's not the same.

lovebye.

11.15.09

daughter sister friend

this is shay....

11.14.09

"feel good soon..."

11.13.09

shay's birthday

also it was very depressing.

11.12.09

bedrest

obviously i was very bored.

11.11.09

walking pneumonia

i got sent home with $100 worth of medication and walking pneumonia. i don't quite get why they call it that since the only cure is to lie down and sleep... forever. it was actually kinda scary, since i couldn't breathe.

11.10.09

not gonna lie, i took this yesterday.